The Journey of Self Discovery

Good morning all you beautiful souls! Welcome and thank you for taking some time out of your day to relax and open your mind and heart. Please feel free to share all of your comments and thoughts. I appreciate every word of encouragement and support that you all have given me thus far.

This has been a difficult process for me. This journey of self-discovery that I am traveling has its moments of sheer bliss and absolute terror. There are moments where I feel confident and utterly free, but then feelings of self-doubt and insecurity cast over me like a shadow of darkness. “Who are you to share these thoughts?” “No one wants to read this crap.” “Who really gives a damn how you feel, Jennifer?” All these questions and more consume my mind every time I begin to open my heart. I realize that this is the Ego making every attempt to save its life. For self-love and self-acceptance destroy the Ego. It only thrives when you think you’re nothing and worthless. It feeds off of your self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.
        To clarify I have provided the definition of the Ego according to a Course in Miracles.
ego :
the belief in the reality of the separated or false self, made as substitute for the Self Which God created; the thought of separation that gives rise to sin, guilt, fear, and a thought system based on specialness to protect itself; the part of the mind that believes it is separate from the Mind of Christ; this split mind has two parts: wrong- and right-mindedness; almost always used to denote " wrong-mindedness," but can include the part of the split mind that  can learn to choose right-mindedness.
(Note -- not to be equated with the "ego" of psychoanalysis, but can be roughly equated with the entire psyche, of which the psychoanalytic " ego" is a part.)

Your Ego is the voice in your head telling you that you’re not good enough, or that you’re superior to all other life forms. The Ego separates you from yourself, your fellow brothers and sisters, and God. It wants to put you in the small corner of solitude where you feel like you’re either too good or not good enough for anyone.  We have to find balance, our center. The place where we love ourselves fully and love our brothers and sisters with equal unconditional love. A balance where we give our heart and accept our brothers and sisters hearts as well. Where we no longer judge another person by our own skewed perceptions, but love and accept them just how they are. Where were not fearful of being vulnerable, and we go into the world with an open heart. Where we don’t feel the need to put on a mask and hide our so-called imperfections, but we embrace them and love ourselves for our individual uniqueness.

The night before I posted my first blog my mind was racing with all these self-deprecating thoughts. I worried what others would think, how people would respond to it, and what people would think of me for thinking those thoughts. (Its ironic because my first blog was about eliminating the need for acceptance from others) I suppose posting it was my response to my Ego. After I posted it I had this short moment of complete self-love. It didn’t last long before the Ego starting firing its ammunition. These feelings of regret, self-doubt, and fear starting forming in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t know what would be worse, if everyone read it and ridiculed me, or if no one read it at all. Then a warm feeling came over me. I realized it didn’t really matter. If no one read it, I’m opening myself up and learning more and more about Jen, that’s a positive. If 100 people read it and laughed, but one person’s spirit was lifted that’s a miracle.

I thank you for allowing me to have this space to share my thoughts. It is very therapeutic to be able to express ourselves. Whether it is through art, photography, writing, playing sports, holding your child, preparing your love a home cooked meal, volunteering, singing in the choir, whatever you do, never hold yourself back and do it with love.

Sending my love with an open heart,
Jen

Expression of Love

Good morning family, friends, and those friends that I have yet to meet. I thank you for taking the time out of your day to share this moment with me. I’m creating this space for free flowing thought and expression. I want to openly express the deepest thoughts of my inner being and I invite you to do the same.  I welcome all your thoughts, ideas, and comments whether or not we have the same perspective.

I have continued to look out to the world for answers to my questions, approval of my thoughts, and acceptance of my ideas. I have finally accepted that we will not and will never find those things externally. They must be felt within. Therefore I present to you my soul, open whole heartedly. I do not know where this journey will take us, but I pray that we will have some laughs, some happiness, and maybe even some enlightenment. I hope the words that flow from my heart will touch someone else’s in a way that opens their heart and mind to a new perspective. I pray that they share that new found perspective with a loved one who will then have a seed of enlightenment planted within them that spreads to the next open heart. I pray that my openness will allow another soul to open their heart.

 A closed mind and a closed heart shut out the life source that keep all of us going, Love. We close our minds because we don’t understand something, or even fear it. We close our hearts because we recall a time that we opened it to someone and it was shattered. We rather not feel anything than feel that piercing, infectious, degenerating coma of pain and heartache. We must let that fear go. Yes it hurts, and yes it may happen again. But after you get knocked down and trampled on, You will rise again. You will become a stronger and wiser being that will continue to Love regardless how others accept that Love.  There is no greater gift than that of Love, and if you don’t Love yourself how can you give that gift to others? LOVE YOURSELF. You are absolutely beautiful. You are the only You there is, ever was, and ever will be. There is no greater disgrace than to deny yourself.  Be You. Only You. For Always.

Follow your heart, open your mind, and be true to yourself.

With an open heart I send out my Love,
Jen